For our 8th anniversary Greg and I spent the day in Ocean City! We had breakfast at the Bayside Skillet after a four hour drive. Then we played mini golf which was so much fun! Then we caught a showing of The Wizard of Oz in HD, which I’ve never watched with Greg. After this we spent some time outside watching the waves on the fishing pier. After a couple rounds of skeeball, we headed to play in the Ocean before enjoying a sundae at Dumsers.

All those things went pretty well.

The wedding was, to date, one of the most romantic and picturesque I’ve ever attended. I’d loved the groom as a brother (and as a hottie) since freshman year of college and had pictured the amazing bride with him five years before they thought of it themselves. The girls were some of the most sophisticated, awesome, fun, formidable girls I’ve ever met.  And I was just constantly in awe of everything all weekend.

A few short weeks later, I graduated.  I had just returned to community college two short years before.  I had always felt bad for dropping out just after my freshman year, but when one finds themselves out of a job and living in a basement with camel crickets, it becomes more important to find health insurance and transportation than it does to memorize statistical formulas.  Eventually I found that job, but it took some growing to realize the appropriate thing to do to make myself happy. I was so nervous and tense, heh.  By the end of the night, I’d pulled through and realized how proud I’d made my parents at this halfway mark celebration during my time as an undergraduate.

Right before I graduated, I was accepted into the first four-year university I applied to:

University of Maryland, Baltimore County.

I remember the very day I got my acceptance letter.  I remember it because it was the day my grandmother fell, a fall that eventually resulted in her death. It took a long time to come to terms with how I felt about the loss of my grandmother.  Our family couldn’t really afford to have a big funeral, and her memorial service was scheduled the day of my friend’s wedding.  I felt like I never honored her properly, although I was able to say goodbye.  I spent about eight hours in the hospital a day or two before she passed just talking to her and being with her and our family.  We all told funny stories and laughed.  Then the laughing dissolved into tears, anger, and heated arguments over her life support.  When she passed, I was relieved and heartbroken–relieved that nobody had to make that decision anymore and heartbroken that this was the end.  She left behind her daughter who spent the next year learning to survive and make her place in the world on her own.  Christmas was spent without visits to anyone on that side of the family.  My father and I had breakfast at a renovated biker bar with his girlfriend, but keeping in touch was not a habit easy to forge.  I have come to terms that my grandmother is at peace, that my family is doing fine.  I just have not come to terms yet of what that might mean for my family.

After her death I felt pretty lost and angry.  I fell prey to bad habits like overeating, drinking too much, and canceling many of my social engagements.  I hated everything about myself, but no matter how I tried I could not make a lasting change.  Although the insides of me had changed, I could not cope with all of these new feelings.  Usually when I feel this way I come across something that becomes a wonderful diversion and a lovely obsession.  When I lost my grandfather, I discovered Glee.  Rejection from former lovers spawned ill-advised fascinations with Bridget Jones’ Diary, LiveJournal, web design, and painting.  Around the time I lost my grandmother, I had been re-exploring my interests.  Movies such as 500 Days of Summer, blogs such as Stuff White People Like, and music groups such as Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes had been permeating my mainstream existence for the previous year.

Then I won tickets to an Arcade Fire show.

It was kind of the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me.  The show was wonderful and it changed my outlook on life. Suddenly I realized I was in my twenties, not my forties.  I did not have to sit down all the time, shoving cake and beer down my throat, throwing my hair back into a rubber band and wearing my ugly work shirt each day.  I could take vacations.  I could join a gym.  I could go out with my friends, go to church, volunteer for the homeless, and rally for world peace.   I could go to the beach last minute. Color my hair crayon red.  Wear sequined leggings as pants.  Or a strapless gown. Put frogs all over my bathroom. Run outside. Read every and any book I choose.  I could embrace being a college junior.  It did not matter that I was 28.  I could start over.  I could rethink everything.

And I did.

So far this year I have lost 30 pounds, have become a runner, made some effing friends, joined a church, volunteered, and protested.  I’m not sitting around anymore, waiting to live up to everyone else’s expectations or waiting for others to call.  I am doing the things that make sense to me, the things that mean the most.  I think that is what I have gotten out of the last year, that it is up to me to go out there and seek out my happiness.

My life is less like bees and more like rainbow pancakes.  Just without the carbs.

-excerpt from lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep

One of the aspects of identity is  disability.

I don’t have a disability. Not anymore. I used to not be able to hear, but I can now.  I need contacts to see, but I can read and write. I successfully live, work, go to school, and have relationships with people. I have the ability to walk, run, and even dance. I can function in society and life. All of these things I have the ability to do aren’t without struggle. I have untreated Attention Deficit Disorder. I mean the kind where I can’t always speak or think in complete sentences and often am unable to finish projects that I begin. Not the kind that has a child bouncing off the walls and punching his fist through the door, or the kind that the public thinks if the person eats a sugar-free/chemical-free diet then all her problems will be cured. I’m afraid to take pills for it because all the side-effects scare me. However, finding missing keys, saying prayers out loud at church, keeping a routine, and being able to read more than a few pages at a time without a break is a real struggle for me.

I create systems to function in life. For instance, I know that before sitting down to commit to something I need to create a “perfect” environment for my brain. I know that I must give myself an outlet for distraction, since I will be distracted eventually anyway. I have to always do things in exactly the same way and make it a habit so I won’t forget to do them. I have to write things down all the time–especially driving directions the first six or so times I drive somewhere new. It’s almost like a memory issue.

I don’t know if I was born this way or if something caused this. The effect it has on others? It sometimes makes others avoid me. It, in turn, sometimes makes me avoid others. It’s sprouted some insecurities that unfortunately come out during inappropriate times. I also feel like I have to keep it a secret. People who have known this about me feel like they can coach me on my organizational skills even though I did not ask them to. I’m also always afraid people will think I’m mentally ill or stupid. I don’t want feel like this defines me, but it ends up doing so anyway.

Oh my actual fuckcakes.  I have about six or seven assignments due each week and I only am taking two classes while working full time.  This isn’t including my reading assignments.  I laugh when I remember I started going to classes again in 2008 as just something to do until I met people.  I didn’t even think about student loans, or my career plans, or even a major.   I figured it would make Greg miss me more because I’d be busy all the time and it would make my parents proud.  Two years later I get into my dream school, already have one degree under my belt and am pursuing another!  I have a career path and made my relatives swell with pride.

Being in school is heaven.  I’m even willing to quit my job to do it, which I may end up having to do.  I am having a talk Monday with management about my schedule and I have no clue if they’re going to turn down my proposal or agree.  I don’t even want to think about it, except whatever happens I will find a way to make things work out.

On the other hand, I am slightly aghast at how quickly this last month has gone. Did I not just complete final exams for last semester a month ago? Since then I have spent all my time fighting cold viruses and trying to get back in shape. I barely have had time to awaken my constantly sleeping social life. There are people I meant to visit in the last year who I have not even called! How can school be starting up again already? It is inexcusable! I have also wasted most of my evenings playing this wonderful game called Bombastic, a relic Playstation 2 computer game from 2003. There really is little better than puzzle games that also explode.

Instead of reading this specific blog posting, you also have the option of scrolling down and looking at this delightful macro which perfectly describes the last month for me.  Therefore, I shall leave thee with this:

I sometimes allow myself on the weekends to completely give in, fall off the wagon, and embrace the Internet like a smoker lights that tobacco filled cigarette and just drags gratefully on it, whimpering after years or even weeks of not lighting up. AND IT IS GLORIOUS. Hours of Tumblr, LiveJournal, Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, YouTube and on and on and on, greedily scrolling and clicking and scrolling and clicking and typing like a mad woman at all hours of the day and night. I love it, I love it, I love it!!!

I am an internet addict from way back. It started when my favorite cousins (and to me, all of my cousins are my favorite cousins, but they become even more favorite if I am deprived of their awesome presence) Steffy and Timmy moved away to South Carolina. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote but after a few weeks that ended. Then my best friends Lorrie and Amanda moved too. Here I was, with this archaic word processor and all these pictures and I hand typed a hilarious newsletter, taking these random funny pictures from my childhood and making up awesome lies about them. It was hysterical, but it meant losing my favorite pictures so I never mailed it. I lost touch with Amanda and Lorrie, who were supposed to be my best friends for life and after that I just felt so alone in the world.

A few years later in 1996, parents got dial-up and I invited my friend Nilah to come over and show me how to use it. She showed me chat rooms and I thought it was amazing that you could write whatever you wanted in the little boxes and it would go to people in other states and countries. You could type whatever you wanted in the little box and load information on any topic you desired. You could type whatever you wanted in the little box and even provide information and images. You could type fake funny crap on there if you wanted to!!! I couldn’t understand why everyone wasn’t on the internet all the time.

When I moved away from my hometown in 1998 and to this rural area where there was nothing to do, I embraced the internet. Not like I took it in my arms and stroked it tenderly, but I devoted all my time to it. I made fabulous friends with chat rooms, forums, and internet gaming. I used it for school and for play. I had penpals from all over the globe and it was wild.

I even met a guy and we had a fling on and off for several years in person and online. For a while he was my only friend in this new town, even though he lived about a thousand miles away. He got me a webcam so we could video chat. I found I could take pictures with it of anything I wanted, but being a narcissistic teenager I mainly took pictures of my cat and my face so I could accurately see what I really looked like, like Cher in Clueless. One time my parents caught me taking naughty pictures, and I felt like a criminal! But look, I could point and click and that’s what my bits really look like and oh my god how hilarious!

When I graduated high school and moved off to college, the Internet took on a whole new meaning. Always on the go in my tight jeans and boots, I established an independent lifestyle of coffee, studying, and delicious insomnia. I took a computer science course and really learned all the neat things I could be doing. I began making blogs and websites and using Photoshop. I started meeting new people in college who actually used the internet and did the same things I did! I would spend hours reading people’s entire blogs to get to know them better and then want to talk to them all the time on the computer.

I couldn’t get enough. After a few years I began to notice I would actually prefer to have the attention of hundreds of online contacts than spend an actual afternoon with a live person. I would hole up inside my bedroom in front of my computer for days without sleeping and give all of my time to everyone living inside the screen. Looking back, I was very systematic about it. I had the magic equation of being whoever people wanted me to be. I knew what provided more hits. I knew how to manipulate without it being very obvious. I gave so much to my internet friends and paid complete attention to an overwhelming amount of people. It ruined many real life friendships.

And privacy? I didn’t care if people knew what I was doing. It was still the times where it seemed nobody in my town cared about the internet and people were unsearchable. My friends and I could be as badly behaved as we wanted. I know some friends who wasted hours creating sock puppet accounts just to cyberbully and mock others, but I thought it was pretty stupid. I was at least able to be funny and awesome without mocking the shit out of people who were just trying to get through their day.

I finally met a real life person who mattered to me more than scads of attention from strangers did. I powered off my CPU at home and stopped paying as much attention to the strangers. Some were real assholes about it. Oddly enough, I was accused, perhaps rightly, of being an attention whore, just there for the drama. People ended relationships over associations and questioned my sincerity and even judged me for trying to fix things. And it didn’t matter to them if their ending of friendships and hurtful words stung me. I wasn’t a real person to them either, even if they had become surrogate friendships for me.

So I disconnected for a few years. There were maybe ten or so people I stayed in contact with, mostly people I met in college and high school and a few worthwhile bloggers who I felt I could be my sweet, non-cynical, silly self around. However, I never developed the needed skills to keep real life friends. In dealing with my addiction that I didn’t know was an addiction, I alienated everyone. It made me kind of angry for a few years, so new people weren’t interested in befriending me either.

I ended up falling off the wagon and logged on, hoping to find new people who weren’t crazy. I didn’t realize several things.

1) People had not become less crazy over the internet. Just more crazy. Sometimes this was rad, and sometimes this meant being slow to trust and careful in what I said.

2) Being disconnected for three years meant I was no longer in the know of what was current, like memes, movie and song references, and forum protocol. Namely things like Orly Owl, Garden State, and lurking moar were all foreign concepts to me amongst a sea of twitchy, cranky, posing scenesters.

3) More people had the capability to log on. Including people from my hometown, assholes who had no qualms about spreading any sort of misguided and hurtful rumor about me at all permanently to thousands of strangers who get off on being cruel because they are powerless in real life. Flamewars ensued.

After my first few social gaffes, I eventually fit in. After all, I’m not a complete bonehead.

It was easy because I had lost my teenage expectations of being rich and famous, and I knew what it was to lose friends.  Therefore, I was no longer an attention whore either. I chose a small amount of people to be interested in.  I was able to discern the difference between transient online connections and people who I could just pick up where we left off of when I felt like disconnecting. Also, I quickly learned the kind of person I wanted to be online (awesome) and who I didn’t want to be (a pathetic cyber-bullying attention whore pretending to be hip and with it when I’m just some 40 year old housewife bitch troll).

At first I was addicted again. I would log on at work when I wasn’t supposed to, and it was very difficult to tear me away from my devices at home. My addiction was an issue in my relationship with Greg, and it spread to other areas of my life as well.

Then I got my shit together. Put down the laptop. Turned off the devices. Picked my priorities. Applied to schools. Went to counseling. Reconnected with people who mattered and made me feel good.

Along the way, I did find what I loved about life. Being with tiny groups of people. Good music. Games. Beer. Food. Going outside.

There are neat things out there on the Internet. I’m constantly finding support, good advice, funny pictures, and pretty things. It is a seductive labyrinth. I hope I always have access to its hidden treasures. The internet is never going to fill the holes in my heart, and I won’t let it create more holes. But please don’t ever take it away from me.

Nothing will replace turning off my devices and going outside and living in the moment, I promise.

Monday, I came home to a notice that I was way behind on rent.  It was a very rude, sarcastic, and unprofessional notice complete with capslock, underlines, and obnoxious clip art and it stated, “Living here for free is NOT an Option!”  I found out later that it was a mistake,  but it brought back a lot of bad memories of the time I was evicted without cause about four years ago.  The rental office apologized for the error, but it was pretty disturbing.  I had nightmares that night about being trapped in a coffin and the coffin filling up with water and drowning me,  causing a restless night.

Tuesday I just tried too hard and ended up tiring myself out.  Really, I brought in food, got things done, and basically ran around on no sleep.  Eventually my mood and self-esteem just kind of plummeted and I had another night of nightmares and skipped gym time.  It snowed that night and Greg stayed home so we got to have dinner together which was amazing.  French bread, cheese, kielbasa, and lentils.

On Wednesday, it snowed!  I love snow and think it’s the greatest thing ever.  Until I have to drive in it, and then I hate the crap out of snow. Everyone at work got really stressed out over little things that didn’t matter.  One of my coworkers actually had a huge tantrum and started throwing crap around and stomping her feet and things.  This is the same woman with the grating, loud voice–the one who went all insane about how I cut cake incorrectly.  The one who is my best friend one minute and then is a complete asshole the next.  The one who does embarrassing things that constantly makes her and everyone involved with her look bad. I came home feeling completely defeated and put upon and alone, but ended up being on the phone all night tweeting, facebooking, texting, and calling people.  I stayed up really late and just zoned out playing Bombastic on PS2 until Greg came home in the middle of the night.

Thursday I woke up feeling like I had the flu.  I told myself that I would take things slow, so I was a half hour late for work.  I was able to eat breakfast and wait until I felt a bit more strong before tackling all my work.  I felt like I was going to die most of the day and had to cancel plans with my mother, thinking I would be too sick to go out.  However, I was feeling better later that evening and Greg took me out on a romantic date to the Cheesecake Factory and we went shopping.  I even bought a new iPod Classic.  I still feel the iPod Touch is probably superior to the iPod Classic, but I just feel more comfortable using iPod Classic.  I spent today syncing it and have almost 17K songs on it!  And that’s not including all my recent stuff I need to upload to iTunes.

Friday was super awesome.  I spent it like a true bachelorette–eating leftover cake off of my shrinking stomach flab while playing Bombastic on PS2 and reading the other thing I bought on Thursday:

Confessions of a Prairie Bitch by Alison Arngrim, the girl who played Nellie Oleson on Little House on The Prairie. I read all of it in about 3 hours on and off.  I loved this biography so much! Not only did I not know she was an AIDS activist and and integral person in the PROTECT act, but  her mom was the voice of Gumby and Casper! I related so much to her childhood stories and her charming offbeat sense of humor:

She’s just so cute and adorable! Love her!

Eventually I had to leave my lovely cocoon of memyselfandI.  I headed to Three Notch Theatre in Lexington Park, about 3 hours away, to partake in Session 1 of the Maryland Community Theater Festival, where I got to experience the ever so lovely activity of watching one act plays and then the horribly tense activity of watching adjudicators tear apart every aspect of the performance from choice of set design to character development.  One of the characters in the play Woman: Revised went by the name Vaginitis.  She wore lots of makeup, a pair of scrubs covered in splattered … substances, and disheveled hair framing a mischievous grin. The adjudicator actually said, “I was expecting Vaginitis to …  itch.” Hahaha. Other character names in that play include Woman, Crone, and Lesbian.  My favorite part of the play was the ending, when a stuffed wombat entered the stage on some kind of motorized device. The play Greg starred in, Family Investment,  was up against that play and nine others.  The festival ends Monday, when I suppose they’ll announce the winners.

Greg and I spent today sleeping in, watching movies, and ended the day with a visit from Ryan, watching football, playing foosball and air hockey, and basically just chilling out. Of course I logged on in the middle of the night to see if anything had been posted for my classes. Believe it or not, one of my classes already has all of its materials online and it’s not even an online class!  Does this mean I should start studying right away and that my vacation is over?  Boo!

I’m waiting to hear from my mom on the status of [family member redacted because apparently it's a secret but she didn't tell me until later.]  She went to the hospital this afternoon after having some kind of dizzy spell and has to stay until Monday.  I don’t know what for since they couldn’t find anything wrong with her. It’s a bit worrisome.

and then they went like this to my throat, just ripped my lovely voice right out of me while my busty body flailed dramatically back and forth:

So I couldn’t talk for a while and I didn’t even feel up to posting. It was pretty gross. But now I feel all transformed, like this:

No seriously, I made all these promises the minute I got better that I would hang out with people, but I was really eager to just get back to normal and transform my life so I’m happier and healthier. Or as I told my coworker, “Active … AND ATTRACTIVE.” With a snap and my hand on my hip.  Just like that.

First thing I wanted to fix was my hair.  All my lovely red color from two weeks ago is starting to fade into its usual light brown.  I found this hair conditioner, like a color-depositing conditioner that fixes it up a little.  My hair always looks a lot more red after using it, and is much softer and easier to manage.

Then I cleaned out my closet.  While it isn’t as gorgeous and awesome, it’s now functional with all my shoes lined up, my clothes lined up by type, and some IKEA wicker baskets holding all my underwear and I can find everything.    This is important because just a week ago all of my clothes were in a heap in the bottom of my closet.  It’s also important because this week I wanted to start going to the gym.  I can’t really do that if I can’t find my clothes, now can I?  I feel like an adult, finally!  I now have time to put on my make up and do my hair, because I can find my clothes in the morning and am not going all over the house looking through bags of fresh laundry.

Going to the gym and actually putting my fitness plan into place was crazy.  I’m not doing everything I planned with my cardio, but I am getting a solid 30 in now with 4-1 intervals.  I ached really badly the first few days, to the point where I couldn’t sleep because each position felt like someone was pelting me with rocks. I seriously felt like all my bones were breaking at once.  I wanted to give up and just tell myself my body wasn’t made for movement and that I’d always just be fat.  I could just sit down forever and eat pizza and drink beer and become a gigantic fat blob who demands her battered deep fried foods be deep fried in battered batter, covered in lard and then re-deep fried again in batter.

As promised by my very patient online friends, my mailman, my coworkers, and pretty much any stranger I could complain to, the pain was gone in two days.  Gone!   Alas, my fantasies of become a battered batter eating hermit who never leaves her bed were blasted into smithereens, probably by the same elliptical machine that was blastin’ my hammies.

Since the new year has started, I have lost an inch off of every measurement, and two inches off of my waist.  Man, that sounds so promising!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you had never done before?

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions? Will you make more for next year?
I did not make any new years’ resolutions for 2010 because I was still working on my resolutions
from 2009!

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2009 were as follows:
Go to the gym daily -Ha-ha, no. I have a plan this year, though!  I will try to make it to the gym 2-4 days a week after work or school and on the weekends.  It will be part of my “before bed” routine, which will consist of coming home from the gym, taking a luxurious shower, and doing my hair.

Get babelicious hair-in 2007 I had colored my hair to the point of total damage. Red with
blonde highlights in January, black in June, dark brown in November. It was pretty frayed. A
friend of mine told me to stop coloring it completely. Therefore, in 2008, I let it grow all the way
out and then I cut it all off and kept it short. Finally started growing it long in 2010 and then
added bangs and red color. It is shiny and bouncy and I love it.

Whiten teeth — I used some whitening strips on my teeth. It was a bad idea because my teeth
did not get whiter. Instead, they just got weaker.

Earn 12 credits - Not only did I earn more than 12 credits in 2009, but also I graduated from
Anne Arundel Community College and won a scholarship towards my tuition to attend University
of Maryland, Baltimore County in 2010. Then I went on to attend classes at UMBC.

Make more $$$ - Well, I was able to make enough money to pay off my credit cards. Then the
County instituted raise freezes, hiring freezes, and furloughs. Just when all was lost, Greg got a
job! So overall, more income is coming in.

Ambient Apartment- As someone who has a history of hoarding, a severe lack of
organizational skills, and a very tiny living space, this was a big challenge. At the time of this
resolution, I had just moved into a nice apartment after they forced me to live in a rat-infested
dump with no working appliances and no storage for a year. All of my nice things were ruined
and I did not have a place for the remainder when I moved to the new place. Greg and I are
slowly creating systems of living that are tolerable, and slowly adding things to the walls and
bringing in new furniture to spruce up the place. It is a work in progress.

10-item wardrobe In 2008 I became obsessed with the idea of Tim Gunn’s that you only need
about 10 pieces to have a decent wardrobe.

Tim Gunn’s 10 Essential Items Every Woman Needs
• Basic black dress
• Trench coat
• Classic dress pants
• Classic white shirt
• Skirt
• Blazer
• Day dress
• Cashmere sweater
• Jeans
• A comfortable alternative to a sweat suit

It was a nice idea, but it was not a doable task, being that I had no money and no plans to shop
for these things. I did not even look up the list until I went to write this post. At the time of this
post, these things in my wardrobe come close:

WhatAboutJen’s 10 Items
*Polka Dot black dress
*Belted brown leather jacket
*Slacks in brown, black, and skinny cords in tan.
*Camisoles
*a plethora of skirts
*a black blazer
*a black cardigan
*skinny jeans
*a tracksuit

Switch to glasses –At the time, I wanted to do this so I could grow out my nails, but I do not
see that happening. Except for hipster glasses, that Greg and I joked around in. No glasses for
me. Need to call eye doctor to refill contact lenses.

Vacation! -Went on vacation twice. Spent a weekend in Alexandria, VA for an old friend of mine
is wedding (Patrick and Liz who are awesome.) Spent a few weekends in Ocean City during the
summer.

Therapy! -I finally found a decent therapist to talk things through and I swear so much as
improved. I actually have a hope and a chance to be happy and to stay on track with my goals.

Join a church! -I actually did this! It is a very small church with maybe 30 people. We sit in a
circle, sing, and pray and then we eat.

Volunteer -I have been doing some indirect volunteering like donating baked goods and
participating in some $$ donations. Still, I would like to donate my time more.

Call a “risky” friend once a week. -This did not happen. By risky friend, I meant someone
in my life who I would feel weird calling because I have not seen or heard from him or her in a
while. I might do this once a month.

Do not get pregnant! -No children for me!

Moisturize! -I need to do this more! When I get out of the shower, I am always in a big hurry
to get dressed and I never remember to take a few minutes and put on some lotion. This year, I decided to try taking a bath at night instead of in the morning, so I can sit around in my luxurious robe, all oiled up and relaxed.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Many internet friends recently gave birth to what I would like to call SNOMG Babies. Babies
conceived during SNOMG.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My grandmother died, as well as one of my coworkers and one of my distant cousins. My
grandmother dying really hurt. She was someone who meant a lot to me and I am still not quite
over the shock that she is gone.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would like to make it so I could change my work schedule around. I am getting close to
finishing my prerequisites for my major, as well as completing a minor in Psychology. Most of the
classes for my major start at 4:30pm. This means I need to leave my job an hour early on those
days.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory? Why are they
memorable?

August 6–the day I went to my first Arcade Fire concert.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I finally graduated from community college and transferred to University of Maryland, Baltimore
County.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I did not continue going to the gym the way I should have.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had a couple of bad colds and stomach viruses. Nothing too serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

It is hard to decide! I bought many great things on a small and large scale, including drinks, a
hair straightener, shoes, clothes, gadgets. They have all made my life so much easier.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
It was inspirational to see how my fellow friends I follow through social media set out daily to
improve their lives. I hope to see more of that.

In addition, Greg was amazing. Seriously, he is so talented and full of great ideas.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I was kind of angry that some people I thought I could count on or people who promised that
they were going to change their ways just flat out spent their time taking me and Greg for
granted or ignoring me and Greg. I need to re-evaluate these friendships and re-prioritize my
time. Sometimes you think you are closer to people than you really are. It is sad, but you just
cannot believe everything someone tells you—sometimes people are just going to use you and
they do not actually care how they make you feel. They only care if you call them out on it, and
what is the sense in creating that kind of drama? I rather just accept and love people for who
they are than make people feel bad for just trying to be nice to avoid hurting my feelings.

I’m very fortunate that most of my friends go out of their way to be there for us, but it’s sad when some people don’t live up to your expectations.  I suppose that’s life.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, food, and school as usual. Besides that, I was able to go out each month and buy myself
something nice. It really made the whole year more special.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Arcade Fire’s new album, The Suburbs.  Also, being accepted into UMBC where I’ve been wanting to go since I was 12 years old.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Pretty much any song off of The Suburbs album. I really liked it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you had done more?

I wish I had been a little more responsible in some areas and less in others.

19. What do you wish you had done less?

Sitting around, crying and drinking.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas was perfect this year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

I stayed in love, which I think is most important.

22. How many one-night stands?

None!

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Glee

24. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?

No. I am angry with some people, but maybe some day I’ll get over that.  I’d like to not let life’s little disappointments turn me into a raging bitch.

25. What was the best book you read?

I was pretty much on a Dave Barry kick this year, so anything he has ever written.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Oh, my gosh, there were so many great new bands this year. Too many to mention.

27. What did you want and get?

I wanted to see all of my relatives around the holidays and the majority of them were around. It
rather made my life, heh.

28. What did you want and not get?

I wanted a more stable social life, but I am ending another year with a more scattered and
disorganized sense of friendship than ever.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Did I even go to the movies? If I did, what did I see? I know I went to the Maryland Science
Center and saw some 3-D movie, but I am not sure that I went to the movies at all.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Greg and my mom took me to the Maryland Science Center, and then we ate at Phillip’s
overlooking the harbor.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More time with friends.  I feel like I don’t get to party nearly as much as I want to!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

More funky, less boring. I made sure that each item of clothing was something I treasured,
something embellished or made with an interesting fabric or was an interesting cut or color.

For the first time this year I took some fashion risks that I’ve always been afraid to do since I’m overweight.  I don’t regret it at all.  My new looks actually flatter my figure in the way my old baggy, boring clothes didn’t.

33. What kept you sane?

My therapist. Hah! Moreover, my friends, even online ones like Lisa or long-distance ones like
David.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Zooey Deschanel. Many people hate her for some reason, but I love the way she sings. She
reminds me of Linda Ronstadt or Nancy Sinatra so much.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Freedom of speech issues. For example, I do think people have the right to express their opinion
in line with the law, but protesting at funerals seems extreme. I mean, really. It is a funeral. I
really do not think hurling insults at the dead is going to help the grieving family find Jesus and
stop sinning, Westboro.  Could somebody stop them?  Please?

36. Whom did you miss?

My family and friends.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

My therapist. Seriously, she is awesome.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

If something brings you joy, go for it. Do not let anything discourage you from finding your
happiness.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

“I would rather be wrong than live in the shadow of your song.”-Arcade Fire

The tree molecules may have been rearranged, but the tree molecules have not been destroyed.  Rather, they exist in a different order, with perhaps other molecules tagging along to make them appear as smoke or fire.

Then a friend of mine posted, “Sometimes things change …” This seemed more threatening to me, as change is rarely comfortable.  Sometimes it means the end of friendships or of a chapter in life one might be fond of, one we never wanted to end.

Then I react like Garth on Wayne’s World: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T4w8BZ3Dr4

If we don’t let go and accept change there are two options.  One, we get to live in the same form, the same chapter.  We get to keep our tree.

However, instead of getting to keep a tree that wants to stay and flourish as a tree, we get a tree that’s ready to move on, perhaps because it has a tree disease.  It’s got tree cancer, or tree ebola, or tree pimples.  Maybe it has its menstrual period.

Or maybe it’s a dead tree that is just sort of faking that it’s alive.  Like a zombie tree.

If you decide to try to hold onto this tree, you’re not going to get all the fruits of the tree like the blossoms or leaves or a Shel Silversteen poem.  Even if the tree is not a zombie tree and is just a tree that would be better off in another yard, that tree is not going to be happy being in the state where it is now.

Perhaps the tree needs to be around other trees that could make it happy and nothing you can do and say is going to convince the tree that you could make it happy.

The second (or eventual) option is that you accept the change coming.

It depends on how you look at it.  You could look at it as filling a void in your empty, empty existence, knowing nothing will ever truly replace what you lost, and you will lead out your life in darkness and despair.

Or!

You could realize your ultimate potential and realize you now have room for something you really want, like your goals, fantasies, hopes, dreams, hookers, blow, cash, prizes, whips, chains, dildos and a book!